A few months ago, my fellow pastors and I had our weekly meeting. Our topic was one we had previously discussed. And that earlier discussion had gone fairly well, and I thought we were quite far along towards a solution. But now we were re-hashing what we had already discussed. We were going backwards. I was getting annoyed in my heart. Exasperated. I thought to myself, “Why can’t we just make up our minds and move forward?”
My fellow pastors are some of the best men I know. They love the Lord. They are godly. Yet I still find myself tempted to be in conflict with them. So what’s wrong with me? Or sometimes I actually prefer to ask, “What’s wrong with them?” And THAT, actually, is part of my problem.
Conflict seems to be everywhere.
And there is no shortage of stories of conflict in the Bible.
One story involved Jesus’ 12 disciples. These are the men to whom Jesus was entrusting the most important message the world has ever heard. They were able to walk with the Holy Son of God every day for a couple of years. Surely his love and kindness and respect would rub off on them, and they would all get along perfectly.
Let’s read one story.
Mark 9:33–34 ESV “And they came to Capernaum. And when he was in the house he asked them, “What were you discussing on the way?” But they kept silent, for on the way they had argued with one another about who was the greatest.
Let that sink in. They argued about which one of them was the greatest. Who is the favorite? Who has the best position with Jesus? They sound like 8-year old boys playing on the playground, having a fight over whose Dad can beat up the other Dads.
This is an embarrassing story. And it was not only embarrassing and shameful at the time. Now, under inspiration from the Holy Spirit, Mark has recorded their argument in the Word of God over the past 2000 years.
Surely every one of us here this morning would like to think we are above—far above—such primitive, bold arrogance that leads to arguments. We’re above that, aren’t we? I can’t tell you how much I would like to say I’m above such arrogance. But alas, I am not.
We are in Week 2 of a 4-part series through April. The series is based on Four Principles from a book, Peacemaker, by Ken Sande. In my view, the book is a classic.
In this series, we are learning how to resolve conflict. Conflict is everywhere, and seems unavoidable. But God has answers. And he calls us to work it through in God-honoring ways.
And today, I have one key word for us that will make critical difference for us to have peace in relationships. That one word? HUMILITY. That horrible, painful word. We need to be humble.
Review Last Week
Review from last week. There are 3 ways to respond to conflict.
1. Escape. We run away. Leave the room. Give the silent treatment. Simply, we hope it goes away by itself.
2. Attack. We use our mouth, our actions, lawsuits, and even our fists to attack the other person. We are hurt. Angry. And we want payback.
3. Make peace. This doesn’t come too easily. This takes the power of the Holy Spirit.
God describes himself throughout the Bible as the God of peace. Satan wants chaos and war and fighting. God is simply after the beautiful quality of peace. Serenity. Harmony.
How do we do this? The four G’s of Peacemaking:
1. Glorify God
Last week we looked at this. The audio and manuscript are available on Stonebrook’s website. The foundation laid there is crucial.
2. Get the log out. Today.
3. Gently restore
4. Go and be reconciled
God’s passion for us is much more than simply tolerating one another. He calls on us to passionately love people.
1 Peter 1:22–23 ESV “Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God…”
Our highest goal is to love one another deeply from the heart. And instead of seeking our own desires, like Escaping or Attacking, God calls on us to grow in our desire to honor and glorify him by seeking peace.
And as we do, Jesus promises us blessings from heaven.
Matthew 5:9 ESV “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”
Principle #1 is to Glorify and Honor God. And to set aside our own selfish desires.
Today we will focus on the second principle: Getting the log out.
Get the Log Out
You might wonder, “What in the world does that mean? To get the log out.” It is a strange expression. But it was spoken by Jesus who used a metaphor to make a powerful point.
Let’s read Matthew 7, an excerpt from the famous Sermon on the Mount.
Matthew 7:1–5 ESV “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
Once I was working on a project at home, and I got some sawdust in my eye. It was agony, and I couldn’t get it out. So I asked my wife to help me. So we laid my head back, and she starts examining my eye to find the speck, and then she took it out. It was torture. I absolutely hate things touching my eye. It drives me crazy. But she did it. And I was set free from my pain.
But thinking of Jesus’ words here, what if, at the same time I was in pain, my wife Annette had an even larger chunk of wood in her eye. What if she was in agony and essentially blind from even a tiny speck in her eye?? Do you think I want her anywhere near my eye until she gets fixed first? Do you think she could actually help me until then?
That is Jesus’ point.
Jesus acknowledges that your brother (friend, parent, teen, co-worker, wife, fellow pastor) may have something in their eye. A speck. They may actually have a problem, a sin.
But before we ever attempt to take out their speck, what does Jesus say to do first? Take the log out of your own eye. Jesus is deliberately using exaggeration, in a humorous way, to make his point. Your friend has a speck, and you so badly want to take that speck out. But you have to start with yourself. Your eye must be clear first. Jesus commands us to first…first….get the log out of our own eye.
What does he mean? Examine your own heart. Start with yourself. When conflict is involved, ask yourself, “What is my part in this conflict? What did I contribute?”
This takes great humility. That terrible, terrible word: Humility. To be humble means that instead of elevating ourselves, we lower ourselves. So with humility, we examine our own heart to discover our own sin.
Back to my earlier story. The one about the conversation we pastors were having a few months ago. I found myself tempted to argue. I thought we were going backwards. We had already discussed all this, so why were we re-visiting it? But the Holy Spirit graciously reminded me to “Get the Log Out.” So as I thought about this, I realized—horror upon horror— I had created some of the problem.
We had talked about the topic previously, but a couple of pastors were absent that day. And I was supposed to communicate to them about our discussion. However, I had neglected to do that. So they were in the dark. And it was my fault.
So now I’m facing a battle within me. On one side, I wanted to argue. “Topic is closed. We’re done. Let’s move on.” On the other side, I knew I had to confess my negligence to communicate.
The Holy Spirit graciously got through my stubborn pride, and he helped me to confess to the others that I had neglected to communicate the previous conversation. And in my heart, as soon as I did that, the conflict in my heart immediately ceased.
By the way, the conflict may have been just one way. Just on my part. And from last week, I needed to ask myself, “Is this really worth fighting over? Is this worth being angry over?” In view of eternity, if we are re-hashing some topic that I think we don’t need to re-hash, is it really that crucial?? We may still need to have the conversation. But it’s not an issue worth creating conflict over.
It’s so humbling to admit our own failure, isn’t it? To examine our own eye and find a LOG. Our PRIDE is like this lion in us, and we want to rip apart everyone else before we will ever admit we were wrong.
A verse from last week explains why:
James 4:1 ESV “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?”
We have sinful tendencies in us for war, not peace. For attacking. Insisting. Arguing. Avoiding.
In the middle of a conflict, we often want to assign levels of wrongness. “He is 98% wrong, I am only 2% wrong.” “He has the massive log. I have a tiny speck of sawdust.”
And curiously—I almost always start that by giving myself the benefit of the doubt. I like to assign myself the much, much lower percentage. I strongly suspect that I am not the only one here who does that. And arguments escalate quickly and easily because both parties tend to do that.
We do this because of our pride. Our arrogance.
So when a conflict is brewing—or we’re already well into the fight—we need to stop.
Someone needs to break the cycle of blaming others.
We need to stop and consider Jesus’ words in Matthew 7. And pray. “Lord, I feel so right. But I know in my heart that my pride can deceive me. Would you show me my part? Would you help me to be humble and honest? Would you show me any logs that are in my eyes?”
As we step back from the heated debate we are engaged in, the Holy Spirit can open our eyes to our own sin. Our own part in this conflict. And when we do this, quite often—perhaps the majority of the time—the conflict dies down immediately.
If you really get what I am saying this morning— if you really get this and apply this and humble yourself, and then take the log out of your own eye— then usually the conflict is over. Or at least near the end.
Ken Sande in his book, Peacemaker, calls this,
The Golden Response: “People tend to treat you the way that you treat them.”
Write that down. If I respond in kindness, they usually will. If I respond defensively, they usually will.
A few months back, late morning on a Tuesday, my wife wanted to run an errand. It was not a convenient time for me. It was going to take an hour out of my work day, and I had a lot to do. But we went, and my heart was about 80% supportive. Not 100%. That was sin #1.
Ten minutes later, we arrived at the business, and it was closed. “Closed? Are you kidding?” Sadly, my immediate reaction inside was frustration and anger. I didn’t say anything, fortunately. But in just a few seconds, my thoughts very quickly rose from room temperature to boiling. In a flash of thoughts, I’m was thinking, “I took all this time, and now it’s closed. What a waste of my precious time.” I was tempted to lash out.
But before I could say anything, Annette very sincerely and humbly said, “I’m very sorry. I didn’t realize they would be closed on a Tuesday.”
Her humble response immediately calmed me down. I shouldn’t be upset anyway, but in the face of her kindness and humility, how could I be angry? And honestly, to put myself in her shoes, who would have guessed they would be completely closed on a Tuesday. I was surprised myself.
Her humility created the “Golden Response” in me.
And secondarily—although just as important—if I had gone with the servant’s heart of Jesus, ready to help my wife in any way she needed, regardless of how easy or convenient it was for me—if I had the heart of a true servant, I would not have been upset at all, even for a moment—….because I am simply my wife’s slave. A servant simply does what he is told. THAT….is the heart of Jesus.
Accept Responsibility
If you want a simple but powerful summary for today, here it is: Accept responsibility!
Humbly examine your own heart—with the help of the Holy Spirit—and accept responsibility for your part in the conflict.
Once we humbly go before God and examine our own hearts, we recognize the large chunk of wood in our own eye. We recognize the part that we played in the conflict. Maybe it was 2%. Maybe it was 98%.
But regardless, we are 100% responsible for our part.
We will all be tempted powerfully to focus on the other person first. We are absolutely sure THEY have the log. But Jesus commanded us to start with ourselves.
“You hypocrite. First take the log out of your own eye.”
As we take responsibility—in humility—usually the flames of the conflict die down significantly or completely.
Confession and Apology
So what comes next?
1. We’re in a conflict.
2. We’re very upset, and we want to pull the log out of our friend’s eye.
3. We humble ourselves, seek the Lord in prayer to discern what our part is.
4. We see the log, ask for God’s help, and humbly take the log out.
5. Now what?
What’s next? Bad news: More humility. Less pride. Often the next step is that you need to confess your sin—your LOG—and humbly apologize to your friend. Your spouse. Your child. Your dad. Your boss.
Apologize. This is part of accepting responsibility. First, with the help of the Holy Spirit, we look within. We remove the log. Second, we need to confess and apologize.
I can hardly describe to you how hard this one is for me. When I need to apologize to my wife for being rude, I am in the cage in an MMA fight with myself. It’s a fight because I have this lion in me—the lion called Pride—and it’s roaring and snapping its jaws at anything around it. But if we want to be Peacemakers, this is crucial.
Remember Jesus promises blessings from heaven for us.
Matthew 5:9 ESV “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”
Here’s a warning and a promise: If you want to be a peacemaker and find the blessing of God, it will cost you. It will cost you your pride. You will have to slaughter this LION inside you. And humble yourself. This will cost you.
But….it will be so worth it. Jesus tells us, it will be worth it. Heaven will bless you. You will be like your heavenly Father as his son and his daughter. And the world will see the image of God in you.
You see, God is the supreme peacemaker.
Colossians 1:19–20 ESV “For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.”
For God to make peace with us cost him and the Son of God dearly.
And as we slaughter the Lion, and we humble ourselves and take this log out of our eyes, we will be proclaimers of peace. And we will point people—directly and indirectly—to our Father, the God of all peace and to the Jesus, the Prince of Peace.
We humble ourselves and apologize.
So what does it look like to make an effective apology?
When our daughters were growing up, and they had a fight, I would ask them to apologize. It was not uncommon for them to say “Sorry,” but to say it with an attitude. That doesn’t work.
We all know that our heart has to be in it.
A few months ago, I needed to apologize to someone. My first thought was, “I need to apologize to get them off my back. To get rid of this problem.” The Holy Spirit convicted me: “Brad, this is about love, not about getting this out of the way.” I repented. I determined with the Spirit’s help to apologize because I loved this person, and I wanted us to have Christ’s love between each other. Same action, but with a vastly different attitude.
The purpose of an apology is NOT about escaping the problem. It is about healing a hurt and restoring the relationship.
To apologize involves confession. Confession of our sin. Our anger. Our selfishness. Our neglect. Our dishonesty. Whatever the LOG is in your eye. To confess simply means to admit. To honestly and openly admit your sin.
This will cost us our pride, but it will be so worth it. For there we will find freedom.
Confession Brings Freedom
Proverbs 28:13 ESV “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”
This verse is a picture of our salvation in Christ. Before God we recognize our transgressions. And so we humble ourselves before God. We confess our sins. Our crimes against a holy God. We repent….that is, we forsake our sin. We turn away from the sin. What does God do? He shows us mercy.
This happens on a human level, too. When we confess and forsake our sins to one another, we find mercy. Not always. Someone could remain bitter. But usually we will find mercy.
So how do go about confessing our sins? How do we acknowledge our responsibility in the conflict? How do we admit our own sin….the log in our eye?
In Ken Sande’s book, Peacemaker, he gives seven practical points to a good confession. He lists them all with the letter “A” to help us remember. We’ll look briefly at the seven.
Seven A’s of Confession
To make peace, seek the Lord’s help to walk humbly and by grace, and thoroughly admit your own wrongs.
1. Address everyone involved.
Confess to God for sure. If the sin is more “outward” in word or action that involves other people, then confess to everyone affected. If I sin against my friend in my Life Group by being rude in front of 10 others, I will need to confess to my friend. First, perhaps in private.
But second, importantly, I need to confess before the entire group that I sinned against him, and embarrassed him in front of all of them. This is very humbling. But so good.
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe.
Those three words ruin a confession.
“Well, I’m sorry I offended you, but… I was really tired, and…” Sure, I was tired. But that is not an excuse for being rude.
“I’m really sorry if you were offended.” Well, were they offended or weren’t they? It’s lame.
3. Admit specifically.
Address precisely what you did and how it impacted someone. Like the prodigal son to his father, “I sinned against heaven and you.”
4. Acknowledge the hurt.
“I failed to keep my promise, and so I let you down.”
“When I made that comment, I embarrassed you in front of all the others. And that was wrong.”
5. Accept the consequences.
Be willing to pay for the damage, make restitution, etc.
6. Alter your behavior.
Explain how you plan to alter your behavior in the future.
For example, if you routinely forget to do tasks you promised you would do, develop a plan for greater diligence. E.g., meet with a counselor, talk to a pastor to get help, ask a friend to hold you accountable.
7. Ask for forgiveness (and allow time).
Ask, “Will you forgive me?” Don’t demand forgiveness. Ask for it. And if the hurts are quite deep, you should allow some time. It can take a little time to process through all the emotions and the hurts.
Not every confession will require all seven steps. Minor offenses can be handled simply. More serious offenses will require more, even all seven A’s.
ONE CAUTION: Do not use the seven A’s like a ritual or checklist. Nor should we use them simply to “get rid of a problem.”
I’ll say it again: Our hearts must be sincere. If you’re not sure of your sincerity, go back to prayer. Ask God for humility and empathy and genuine love.
In all we’ve covered this morning, I’ll say again that we can easily summarize all of it by simply saying, “Take Responsibility.” Take responsibility for what you have done. For your part. Get the log out of your own eye. Until then, you cannot see clearly. You think your eyesight is good, but it is not. And Jesus calls us hypocrites if we still have the log.
Next Week
So far last Sunday and today, we have covered this:
Step One: Glorify God. Seek to honor God first, not yourself.
Step Two: Get the Log Out. Accept responsibility. Take a humble, honest look at your part in the conflict.
What is next? We have 2 more weeks on this important topic.
Sometimes the Golden Response doesn’t happen. We humble ourselves. We see the log in our eye, and we remove it. We confess. We sincerely, lovingly apologize. But then the other person—who was also complicit in the conflict—doesn’t see it. Or won’t admit it.
At that point, you have two valid options.
1. Let it go. You’ve done your part. You’re at peace. You can honestly and peacefully move on.
2. Or, you then wisely and gently and lovingly point out their sin.
Your goal is not payback. It is not vengeance. It is love. You want them to walk in holiness. And you want a restored, healthy relationship with one another.
How do we do this? What do we say? Stay tuned. This is what we’ll look at next week.